I've decided to start blogging again because I REALLY need somewhere that I can vent all my stress on, even if nobody reads it! Plus, for anyone reading you'll also get an insight into what's going on in our family! December has been a non-stop busy month, it seems like it's just chaos after chaos. Sorry if I repeat anything from previous posts though!
For a few months, my younger brother (10,Stuart) has been living with Ryan, Tyler and I in our little 1 bedroom apartment. He is officially moved in with me, and I couldn't be happier. I love that kid to death, even though he drives me up the wall! Of course, I am not happy with why he has to stay with me. Unfortunately, my mother has colon cancer and the chemotherapy is not doing what it is supposed to so she is super, super sick and really weak. She was having a hard time looking after him so I stepped in because I would rather him be with me then something happen to her and him end up in foster care. It's pretty upsetting seeing my mother go through this though, and as much as I argue with her it's still really hard for me to deal with. Ryan has been really helpful, and thankfully he has no problem with my brother living with us.On top of all this, Ryan's mother isn't doing so well either but they aren't sure what is wrong yet. Hopefully everything will be okay soon though because this is getting pretty difficult to handle. Lately, we have also been struggling with our money and if it keeps up I may need to look into getting a job to help out which would SUCK. I emphasise suck because as much as I do miss working, I think I would be completely heartbroken if I couldn't be at home with Tyler. :( Ryan was going to look for a new job, but he just really isn't into the idea. I'm sure we will get through it though, because we have made it this far already. Ryan and I are doing really well, though we really need some quality him&i time! I can't wait until we can get some of that, ahah. Tyler is doing really well too! He is almost crawling, and he is eating solids now. :) He has an appointment with a pediatric optometrist on Tuesday to get his eyes checked because they are always crossing. I'm crossing my fingers that everything is okay though because I'll be heartbroken if there is something wrong! Other than that, he is doing absolutely amazing. I am so happy with him! - I've been going through some rough patches lately, of course! I'm still waiting for my period its almost 2 weeks late (arghh) but I've taken 2 pregnancy tests, and taking another one tomorrow but so far they have all been negative! Ryan is confident that I am not pregnant, and I am too but I would rather be safe!! I'm pretty sure it has to do that I've been stressing lately, plus I think i'm going through depression even though I would never wanna admit that to a doctor. I suffered through untreated depression, and suicidal thoughts when I was younger so if I really start to feel down I will be going to a doctor because I definitely don't want to go through that again! I'm starting a diet soon and I really hope that will help me get some more confidence back. People don't seem to understand why I feel so bad about myself all the time, but 'll give a good idea why! On Christmas Day a member of my family said this to me ; "You've gotten so big Amanda, most people lose their baby weight within the first 4 weeks so it's hard to believe you have stayed this big. You should diet or something." <-- Lovely right! I don't know what other people see when they look at me, but that REALLY hurt.
Anyway, I have to get back to cleaning and making dinner (Smart Fiesta Tacos..Mmm.)
What your family member said is a.) extremely insensitive and b.) totally untrue. Sure, some women snap back to their pre-pregnancy bodies right after giving birth but the vast majority of us are not into our jeans for quite some time. You are beautiful, a wonderful mother to your son, and a loving girlfriend to Ryan. Ignore comments like that. I struggle with my weight too. I've tried various diets and exercises but right now I feel better about myself than I have in two years. I haven't lost a ton of weight or anything. The truth is, all I've been doing is eating healthier and trying to be more physically active...like going for walks with the kids and what have you. I do want a gym membership really badly but I think the strict guidelines required for dieting is just too much stress. It makes me feel SO guilty whenever I fuck up. The gym on the other hand is something I can take my stress and frustrations out on. It improves my physical and emotional well being. Bonus.
ReplyDeleteThat's very sweet and helpful of you to look after your brother. I understand what you are going through as I went through lung cancer with my father, who survived. It was terrifying and if you need anybody to talk to, even if it's just to vent...I am here to listen.
I think right now would be a difficult time to go through a pregnancy. I went through it during my dad's cancer scare and during financial issues and I really wouldn't want to see you have to handle all of that stress. Sure, I wouldn't change it now but it was so hard back then.
Much love <3